How to Repair with Yourself & Others
Episode 36: Spotify | Apple Podcasts | YouTube
View transcript on Buzzsprout
When you’ve lashed out, shut down, or spiraled into self-blame, what comes next matters most. In this post, we’ll explore the nervous system science behind rupture and repair, and how to use those messy moments as opportunities for growth and deeper connection—with yourself and others.
What We Cover in This Episode
- What “repair” really means and why it matters
- The three-step process for effective repair
- Why children (and adults) turn to self-blame after conflict
- How to begin repairing with yourself before others
- Using parts work to make self-compassion more accessible
What Is Repair and Why It Matters
Repair is the act of returning to a moment that didn’t feel good—what we often call a rupture—and making space for reconnection. While apologies can shut a conversation down, repair opens one up. It acknowledges what happened, takes responsibility, and expresses what you’ll do differently next time. Originally framed in parenting contexts, this skill is equally essential in your relationship with yourself.
In the words of Dr. Becky Kennedy (whose TED Talk inspired this episode), repair is the most important parenting strategy—and Amanda would argue, one of the most important self-healing strategies too.
Why Self-Blame Feels Safer (But Isn’t Sustainable)
If you grew up without caregivers who modeled healthy repair, self-blame likely became your default. It’s an adaptive response for kids—internalizing blame helps them maintain the belief that the world around them is safe. But as adults, this same reflex creates spirals of shame, self-criticism, and emotional disconnection.
Your nervous system, constantly scanning for cues of safety or danger, interprets ongoing disconnection as a life threat. That can lead to chronic shutdown (red zone), activation (yellow zone), or emotional numbness—all patterns deeply familiar to those navigating anxiety and depression.
How the Nervous System Shapes Moments of Rupture
When you yell at your partner, spiral after a panic attack, or criticize yourself for not being “productive enough,” your nervous system is responding to perceived threat. These reactions aren’t failures—they’re adaptations. But left unexamined, they build disconnection with yourself and others.
Repair begins by recognizing that a rupture occurred. Instead of focusing only on the behavior (the yelling, the shutdown, the spiraling), you zoom out and ask: How did I treat myself in the aftermath? Did I double down with blame and shame? Or did I offer presence, understanding, and care?
Parts Work: Making Self-Repair Feel Possible
Using a modality like Internal Family Systems (IFS), you can begin to see yourself not as broken, but as a system of parts—each one trying to protect you. There’s your inner child who internalized blame to stay safe. Your protector who lashes out or shuts down. And your authentic adult self—the calm, grounded part who can lead with compassion.
Repair becomes a dialogue between these parts. The goal isn’t to be perfect. It’s to notice the rupture, pause the spiral, and offer a new narrative: “That was hard. And I’m here with you now.”
Visualization: Film Review for the Nervous System
Amanda offers a powerful metaphor borrowed from her sports background: watching the game tape. Athletes don’t review film to shame themselves. They study the play to name what happened, take responsibility, and visualize a better response next time.
You can do the same. When you reflect on a moment of rupture, don’t just dissect the behavior—repair how you treated yourself afterward. Practice returning to that moment with curiosity instead of criticism. Then imagine how your future self could respond with regulation and care.This kind of nervous system-informed self-reflection is core to what we teach inside the Regulated Living Membership. It’s not about getting it right every time—it’s about learning how to come back to yourself with honesty and grace.
Three Tangible Takeaways
- Repair means returning to the moment that didn’t feel good. Not to judge, but to reconnect. Use it to rebuild trust—with yourself or someone else.
- Self-blame was adaptive—but now it’s just a habit. Notice when it shows up and practice choosing repair instead of spiraling.
- Parts work helps you lead with compassion. You’re not a problem to fix. You’re a human with parts—and your adult self can learn to lead.
Looking for more personalized support?
- Book a FREE discovery call for RESTORE, our 1:1 anxiety & depression coaching program (HSA/FSA eligible & includes comprehensive bloodwork)
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- Join my Release Class – Monthly guided nervous system regulation class
- Order my book, Healing Through the Vagus Nerve today!
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Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.
