When Safety Feels Scary: Why Regulation Can Be Terrifying After Trauma

Episode 114: Spotify | Apple Podcasts | YouTube
View transcript on Buzzsprout

Sometimes the hardest part of healing isn’t surviving chaos—it’s staying present when things finally calm down.

In this episode, Amanda unpacks why feeling safe can actually feel threatening for trauma survivors, and how this paradox plays out on a biological and emotional level. If you’ve ever experienced anxiety during moments of calm, or felt the urge to sabotage peace and quiet, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. This episode breaks down what’s actually happening in your nervous system and how to move through it with curiosity and care.

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What We Cover in This Episode

• Why “calm” can trigger panic, shutdown, or chaos
• The safety-danger equation that explains why regulation feels unsafe
• How neurobiology wires your system to expect threat
• Practical tools to make regulation feel safer over time

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Regulation Isn’t Always Comfortable

A common misconception in healing is that regulation will automatically feel good. But for many trauma survivors, entering a regulated state—especially the ventral vagal “green zone”—can feel deeply unfamiliar. And unfamiliar, to a brain trained by trauma, equals unsafe.

Clients often describe the feeling of letting their guard down as terrifying. One shared, “If I relax, who’s watching for danger?” Their body has learned that hypervigilance equals survival. So when regulation arrives, the nervous system sounds the alarm.

Amanda explains how trauma rewires your internal threat detection system, making safety cues feel foreign and potentially dangerous. This isn’t self-sabotage. It’s survival. But it can shift—with time, repetition, and support.

Understanding the Safety-Danger Equation

The nervous system only relaxes when cues of safety outweigh cues of threat. But for trauma survivors, that scale is skewed:

• Safety cues are harder to trust
• Danger cues are over-amplified
• Regulation can trigger parts that believe calm = vulnerability

This mismatch creates what Amanda calls the “safety danger equation,” and understanding it can help you respond with more compassion instead of confusion.

“Your system would rather choose familiar pain than unfamiliar peace. Not because you’re broken, but because it’s trying to keep you alive.”

Six Tools to Make Regulation Feel Safer

Amanda shares grounded practices that help build tolerance for regulation:

1. Track Your State Without Judgment: Just notice. Are you activated? Shutdown? Regulated? Start there.
2. Titrate Your Time in Calm: Practice short, manageable moments of regulation. Ten seconds is a win.
3. Use Pendulation: Move between mild activation and regulation to increase internal flexibility.
4. Pair Regulation with Protection: Remind yourself of what’s still in place—boundaries, exit plans, adult resources.
5. Practice the Both/And: You can be regulated and alert. Connected and boundaried.
6. Build a Felt Sense of Safety: Explore what regulation feels like in your body—slowly, curiously, gently.

These tools are at the heart of our work inside Restore, our 1:1 coaching program.

Let It Be Slow, Not Forced

Healing from trauma doesn’t mean deleting protective parts. It means creating enough safety that those parts can rest.

“It’s not about forcing yourself to feel safe. It’s about helping your nervous system learn that safety doesn’t mean danger anymore.”

Amanda reminds us that your nervous system doesn’t need perfection. It needs repetition. Moments of calm that get a little longer, a little deeper, over time. That’s how the body rewires.

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Three Tangible Takeaways

1. Your fear of regulation is valid. It’s not sabotage—it’s self-protection based on past experience.
2. Micro moments build new patterns. A few seconds of calm today helps you tolerate more tomorrow.
3. Healing isn’t linear. It’s a pendulum, not a straight line. Back and forth is part of the process.

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Looking for more personalized support?

• Book a FREE discovery call for RESTORE, our 1:1 anxiety & depression coaching program (HSA/FSA eligible & includes comprehensive bloodwork)
• Join me inside the  Regulated Living Membership, a mental health membership and nervous system healing space (sliding scale pricing available)
• Join my Release Class – Monthly guided nervous system regulation class
• Order my book, Healing Through the Vagus Nerve today!
• Download free resources here

*Want me to talk about something specific on the podcast? Let me know HERE.

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Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.