The Importance of Connection To Your Healing
Episode 28: Spotify | Apple Podcasts | YouTube
View transcript on Buzzsprout
If relationships feel like walking a tightrope—where a small misstep triggers shutdown, defensiveness, or withdrawal—you’re not alone. So many of us long for real connection while defaulting to protection, not because we lack desire, but because our nervous system learned early on that closeness wasn’t always safe. This episode explores why that happens, how those patterns get wired in, and what it takes to build relationships that actually feel good, not just look good.
What We Cover in This Episode
- Why your nervous system may default to protection instead of connection
- How early childhood experiences shape relational patterns
- What co-regulation is and why it matters at every age
- The long-term effects of loneliness on mental and physical health
- How safe relationships can change your nervous system
Protection vs. Connection: Understanding the Conflict
From infancy, your nervous system has been collecting data about the world: Is it safe? Are people responsive? Am I welcome here?
If your early caregivers were regulated and responsive, your system likely wired for connection. But if you experienced stress, separation, or misattunement—whether in birth, parenting, or early life—your nervous system may have adapted by prioritizing protection instead.
Hypervigilence and anxiety are adaptive forms of relational protection.
Shut down and disconnection are adaptive forms of relational protection.
Avoidance or people please are adaptive forms of relational protection.
These patterns form because your body learned that safety wasn’t always a given. And even now, as an adult, those protective patterns may still override your desire for closeness.
Why Early Experiences Matter (and How We Repair Them)
Connection begins at birth. From day one, your autonomic nervous system starts forming a blueprint for how to relate. If you were separated from your caregivers (due to medical complications, stress, or circumstances beyond anyone’s control), your system may have laid down defensive patterns.
But here’s the powerful truth: your nervous system is malleable. New patterns can be learned through safe, repeated co-regulation and new experiences.
Amanda shares how both of her sons experienced early medical separation—and how she used consistent connection, skin-to-skin, and intentional presence to repair and rebuild trust in those early weeks.
And especially as a parent, there’s some comforting research about how we don’t have to get it right all the time. Research shows that being attuned just one-third of the time can create secure attachment—especially when ruptures are recognized and repairs are made.
The Science of Co-Regulation
Young children can’t self-regulate. Their nervous systems rely entirely on the adults around them. Over time, these repeated experiences of safety—or lack thereof—build the foundation for how we relate to others.
Even as adults, we need people we can co-regulate with. Predictable, safe relationships help us reset, heal, and learn what connection feels like in our bodies.
You can’t self-regulate without first experiencing co-regulation.
This is why therapeutic or coaching relationships can be so transformational. When someone consistently shows up for you with presence, calm, and attunement, your system begins to rewire for safety.
The Cost of Disconnection
When we feel disconnected—especially over time—our nervous system perceives it as a threat. Chronic loneliness is not just painful; it’s harmful. Research shows us that it can cause:
- Increased risk for cardiovascular disease
- Greater inflammation and immune dysregulation
- Cognitive decline and sleep disturbances
- Higher rates of depression and early mortality
Loneliness, in nervous system terms, reads as a lack of safety. And your body will adapt accordingly.
Loneliness is a loop—one that can lead to shutdown, numbness, and survival-mode living.
Why Safe Relationships Are a Core Healing Tool
Whether it’s a therapist, coach, or trusted friend, healing requires people. Predictable, safe, regulating people.
This is one reason Amanda created offerings like Release, a monthly guided nervous system regulation class, and the Regulated Living Membership, which creates ongoing opportunities for connection, co-regulation, and healing in community.
Inside our Regulated Living practice, we show up with you in your healing and as a result we see people of all ages begin to rewrite their stories and reclaim their lives.
Three Tangible Takeaways
- Start with Awareness: Ask yourself—were your early experiences wired for protection or connection? Do you have co-regulating relationships now? What needs to shift?
- You Can Change the Pattern: Protective responses that once kept you safe may no longer serve you. Through nervous system tools and safe relationships, you can repattern how you show up in the world.
- Loneliness Isn’t Just Sad—It’s Unsafe: Disconnection can trigger shutdown and depression. Don’t go it alone. Seek out people, spaces, or support where connection feels possible.
Looking for more personalized support?
- Book a FREE discovery call for RESTORE, our 1:1 anxiety & depression coaching program (HSA/FSA eligible & includes comprehensive bloodwork)
- Join me inside the Regulated Living Membership, a mental health membership and nervous system healing space (sliding scale pricing available)
- Join my Release Class – Monthly guided nervous system regulation class
- Order my book, Healing Through the Vagus Nerve today!
- Download free resources here
*Want me to talk about something specific on the podcast? Let me know HERE.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.
