Filter Your Stress Bucket: How to Know What Actually Belongs (Part 3)

Episode 153: Spotify | Apple Podcasts | YouTube
View transcript on Buzzsprout

You’ve done the inventory. You’ve looked honestly at your stress bucket — what’s in there, how heavy it’s sitting, what’s on both sides of the see-saw. And now you’re staring at it wondering: okay, what do I actually do with all of this?

The answer isn’t to start randomly throwing things out. And it’s not to stand there feeling overwhelmed either. Before you make any changes to your stress load, you need something that tells you what actually belongs in your life — and what doesn’t. You need a filter.

This is part three of a five-part series on stress management. Part one covered the stress bucket framework and the see-saw model. Part two was the full assessment — an honest inventory of your stressors and your supporters. If you haven’t done that work yet, start there. What we’re doing today builds directly on having some picture of what’s in your bucket.

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What We Cover in This Episode

• Why filtering your stress bucket comes before editing it
• The rubber vs. glass ball framework for sorting what actually matters
• How your core values serve as the deeper filter underneath it all
• A practical exercise for identifying your values if you’re not sure what they are

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Why Editing Without a Filter Doesn’t Work

Most stress reduction advice skips straight to removal — say no more, cut the commitments, simplify. And yes, some things absolutely need to go. But when you start subtracting from your life without any clear criteria for what stays and what goes, you often end up dropping what matters while clinging to what doesn’t.

Filtering first changes that. It gives you a way to look at each thing in your bucket and say with some confidence: this is mine to carry, or this isn’t. This is aligned with what I actually value, or this is just habit. This is worth the stress it costs, or it isn’t.

There’s also something worth naming about how countercultural this whole process is. The default of modern life pulls hard toward more — more stimulation, more obligations, more noise. Choosing to filter, to simplify, to step back from things — that can feel uncomfortable, even threatening to the people around you who’ve come to expect your participation. Some of what you discover through this process may cost you something relationally. That’s real, and it’s worth going in with eyes open.

The First Filter: Rubber Balls vs. Glass Balls

Imagine that everything in your bucket — every stressor, every commitment, every obligation — is either a rubber ball or a glass ball.

Rubber balls bounce when you drop them. There might be a minor consequence, a small mess, maybe someone mildly inconvenienced. But they recover.

Glass balls shatter. The damage is real and lasting. These are the things that, when dropped, don’t come back the same way.

The problem most of us have is that we’ve been treating everything like glass. Every email, every obligation, every item on the to-do list gets the same nervous system activation as the things that actually matter most. And when everything is urgent, nothing gets your full presence — and your system never gets to rest, even when rest is technically on the calendar.

When I’m feeling stretched thin and behind on everything, it’s almost always because I haven’t applied this filter recently. When I do — when I get honest about what’s actually glass right now — my house gets messier, emails take longer, meals get simpler. And I usually have a few people mildly annoyed at me. But because I’ve made those choices intentionally, it feels like a decision rather than a failure.

The first question to ask of everything in your bucket: is this actually glass? Or have I been treating it like glass when it’s really rubber?

The Deeper Filter: Your Core Values

The rubber vs. glass distinction is a good starting point, but it has a limitation: it’s still somewhat subjective. What’s glass to you might be rubber to someone else — and urgency, which can feel like a reliable signal, is often manufactured by culture, other people’s expectations, or old stories you’ve been living inside.

The more reliable signal is your actual core values.

Your core values are the things that matter most to you when you strip away the noise. Not the values you think you should have. Not the ones that sound impressive. The ones that feel most true to who you actually are right now, in this season.

When something in your bucket is in direct service of something you genuinely value — your health, your most important relationships, your creative work, your integrity, your faith — it belongs there. Even when it’s hard. Even when it costs something. Some stressors are worth carrying because of what they’re connected to.

And when something is in your bucket out of habit, out of obligation, out of fear of judgment, or out of a story you’ve been telling yourself about who you have to be — that’s a different situation entirely. That’s what this filter is designed to surface.

A few years ago, doing this exercise honestly, I almost overnight quit the PTO at my son’s school, stopped swim lessons, and stepped down from a church responsibility. Then I spent the next six months minimizing our home — clothes, kitchen stuff, the kids’ toys. The underlying shift wasn’t just about the tasks. It was about getting clear on what I actually valued, and realizing how much I’d been carrying that had nothing to do with it.

Getting clear on your values doesn’t just help you see what to remove. It helps you see what you’ve been carrying that you never consciously agreed to carry.

How to Identify Your Core Values

If “get clear on your values” sounds useful in theory but vague in practice, here’s how to actually do it.

First: there’s no wrong answer, and your values right now don’t have to be the values you hold forever. Let them be what’s most true in this season, not a permanent declaration.

Brené Brown has a core values exercise I use with clients — I’ll link it in the show notes — but here’s the short version:

1. Pull up a list of values. Her PDF (linked below) has a thorough one, or just Google “list of core values.” Go through it with a pen and circle everything that resonates. Don’t overthink it. You’ll likely end up with somewhere between five and fifteen circled.
2. From those, narrow to three. Go back through only what you circled and ask: if I could only keep three, which feel most essential to who I am right now? Highlight those.
3. Those three become your filter.

One thing to watch for: the difference between aspirational values and actual values. Aspirational values are the ones that sound good or feel like who you’re supposed to be. Actual values are the ones that, when you’re living in alignment with them, make you feel most like yourself. If you circle “achievement” because it sounds right but what actually lights you up is creating or connecting — go with what’s true, not what sounds impressive.

This work is something we go deep on inside RESTORE, our 1:1 coaching program for anxiety and depression. If you’re finding that your bucket is heavy and you want support working through it with someone, that’s exactly what that space is designed for.

What to Do Before Part Four

If you haven’t already, do the values exercise. Then hold those 2–3 values up against everything in your bucket and ask:

• Does this serve what I actually value?
• Is this glass or rubber?
• Is this mine to carry — or have I just never put it down?

You don’t need to do anything with the answers yet. Just notice. Just start to see your bucket through this filter. Because in part four, we’re going to take that clarity and do something with it — a concrete framework for acting on what this process reveals.

Three Tangible Takeaways

1. Filtering comes before editing. Random subtraction — just removing things — often means dropping what matters while holding onto what doesn’t. Getting clear on your filter first is what makes editing actually work.
2. Most of us are treating everything like glass. The rubber vs. glass filter asks what in your bucket actually shatters if dropped — and what bounces. When everything feels equally urgent, your nervous system never gets to rest, even when rest is available.
3. Your core values are the deeper signal. They tell you what’s worth carrying and what’s been in your bucket out of habit, obligation, or an unconscious contract you never agreed to. Get clear on your values first — the editing gets so much easier from there.

Want to Go Deeper?

Explore personalized support through:

• Regulated Living Membership – Monthly membership for nervous system healing
• Restore – 1:1 coaching program for anxiety and depression
• Monthly Release Class – Live guided nervous system regulation, monthly

*Want me to talk about something specific on the podcast? Let me know HERE.

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Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.